Machine jokes
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
Ur mum smells like shit, yeah, so she sucks a man off and washing machine. Yo, don’t at me, yeah, you chicken breath.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.
I have so many cash machine jokes.
But none of them seem to work ATM.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
It was taking the piss out of the knickers!
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!
There was an enemy with a machine gun.
My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."
So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.
Solve this equation: a gay boy + a whole lot of drugs = A hyped up f'ing machine.
Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.