Like jokes

Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!

Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?"

The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.

His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"

Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"

So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3

A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:

Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.

My phone is just like the Twin Towers; they got put in airplane mode.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

I ate a baby, it tasted like baby.

Why do all of Oliver Anthony's songs sound like "shit"?

Answer: Because he sucks!

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

Your hairline be going up and down like a Formula 1 car!

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

I forgot you can't make depression jokes outside of Twitter, lmao. My coworker was like, "You ready for this year to be over?"

I was like, "I'm ready for this life to be over." He was like, "Bro, what?"