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Hairline

Your hairline looks like something that came off the bottom of a Reese's cup.

ADHD

They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.

Cheer for fun on the telephone and singing, "We are family!" Even then, your dad, really, he's fat, just like your dad. And your mom's fat ass, b**** ass, looking like an Oompa Loompa self, looking like an ugly.

Neighbor

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Roast

You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

Twin Towers

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

Twin Towers

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

History

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Dishwasher

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

Michael Jackson

What does Michael Jackson like?

Teabags.

Michael Jackson

Why does Michael Jackson like football, baseball, and tennis? Because of the "balls".

Seatbelt

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.