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Neighbor

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Roast

You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

Twin Towers

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

Michael Jackson

What kind of drinks does Michael Joseph Jackson like to drink? Boysenberry tea-hee-hee, and tea-hee-hee.

Michael Jackson

What does Michael Jackson like to use to clean himself? Baby wipes.

What are Michael Joseph Jackson's favorite songs? "Baby Love" and "Baby Talk to Me."

Twin Towers

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

History

Why are there more female history teachers than male?

Because women like to bring up the past.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Dishwasher

She said she wanted me to treat her like a dishwasher. So I loaded her up, ran her through a rough cycle, and left her wet and broken on the floor.

Michael Jackson

What does Michael Jackson like?

Teabags.

Michael Jackson

Why does Michael Jackson like football, baseball, and tennis? Because of the "balls".

Michael Jackson

Where does Michael Joseph Jackson like to eat at?

A Del-he-he.

Seatbelt

What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?

A seatbelt.

I have no problem with prostitution.

It's like an Air BnB for your dick.

A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.

In Jr. high, we all had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood and wrote a report on how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.