1 like = 1 more child in my blender.
Give a like if I have no friends.
What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am, I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide.” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back.”
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
Surveys say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means the 5th one likes it.
Like if you know someone is emo.
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.
Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.
But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
