Alike jokes
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
How are infants and chocolate alike? They'll both kill your dog.
How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?
You can't get either one at home.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
What's small, has no dad, and looks like Bugs Bunny?
Ben after he trips over the giant curb!
How are genders and twin towers alike? There used to be 2, but now it's a sensitive topic.
Why are a gun and a bag of chips alike?
You pull them out at school and everyone wants to be your friend.
How are Tinder and orphans alike?
You swipe left till you find the one you like.
Why were Adam and Eve's sons so much alike? Because Cain was Abel minded!
You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.
Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
You call me ugly, but maybe that is why we look alike.
What do sharks and humans have alike? The great white one.
How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
kapteyn = captain
Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.
Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"