Alike jokes
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.
McDonald's and the Twin Towers are alike. McDonald's has a drive-through, and the Twin Towers had a fly-through.
I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.
How are giants and strippers alike?
They both grind men's bones to make their bread.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.
How are Tinder and orphans alike?
You swipe left till you find the one you like.
Why are girls and rocks so alike?
If they're flat, they get skipped.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
How are a mouse and a bale of hay alike?
The cat'll eat it (the cattle eat it).
Why are a gun and a bag of chips alike?
You pull them out at school and everyone wants to be your friend.
How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?
It never gets old.
You could say Japanese car fans and ancient Egyptians are alike—they both worship Datsun.
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
Why are orphans and bananas so much alike? Because they both get split.
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.