Lifestyle jokes

Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, Smoke so much weed you wouldn't believe, And I get more ass than a toilet seat.

Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, Let me tell you how I made her leave with me, Conversation and Hennessey.

I've been to the motherfuckin' mountain top, Heard motherfuckers talk, seen and dropped, If I ain't got a weapon I'ma pick up a rock, And when I bust yo ass I'ma continue to rock.

Getcha ass of the wall with your two left feet, It's real easy just follow the beat, Don't let that fine girl pass you by, Look real close 'cause strobe lights blind.

What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

Yo mama went to Safeway to be safe.

I have a big bag of Doritos in the kitchen. It's only for people who are skinny, but the fat people can't have any. All they do is suck it up like a lollipop.

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

What do you call a fat woman that prays?

A holy cow.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

What's a cannibal's favorite place?

A day care.

What would you call a gay man's couch? A Homo Sectional.

If you ever had your nipple ripped off by a possum, you might be a redneck...

Amanda Bynes is a lush blond who has quickly become a blond lush.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

What is a gay man's favorite hobby?

Cockfighting.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

I'm a recovering cake addict.

Your momma is so fat, when she gets done having sex she rolls over and smokes a ham.