Lifestyle jokes

This dude is so fat, wearing the same damn clothes every day. Every time he turns around, it's his graduation day. He forgot to put a boomerang on his pants because they don't even fit anymore. Last time I saw him coming down the street, it was in a bucket of Popeye's chicken, extra crispy.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

What do you call a fat woman that prays?

A holy cow.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

What's a cannibal's favorite place?

A day care.

What would you call a gay man's couch? A Homo Sectional.

If you ever had your nipple ripped off by a possum, you might be a redneck...

Amanda Bynes is a lush blond who has quickly become a blond lush.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

We were so poor that every time I passed by a butcher shop, I thought there had been a horrible accident.

What is a gay man's favorite hobby?

Cockfighting.

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

I'm a recovering cake addict.

Your momma is so fat, when she gets done having sex she rolls over and smokes a ham.

A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.

Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.

Hi! 👋 I love 💕 you love 💕 a good time at home. 🏡

I love sleep 🛏!

What time is it when you get home? Time to sleep.