Why did the hobo cross the road?
To get the rotten donut on the other side.
Lifestyle Jokes
For an orphan, any bag of chips is family size.
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in for ya?
What’s a lesbian’s favorite sport? Dodge balls.
One little orphan had roast beef, the other had none.
One little orphan went to market, the other stayed home. Wait a second.
If two vegetarians get into a fight, is it still called a beef?
Your mom is so fat she ate an iPad and said, "Ahqah!" funny food mmm banana and hehe haha! And what deal with airline food? It's not white and it's not black and it's not Asian!? AHAH? DSF
Konan was having sex on the couch, thinking how he'd come so far.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
When your friend moves to Texas and she comes back a cowgirl.
YEEEHAWW!
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
What’s one thing that a gay person is scared of?
A gay guy that’s straight!
Cooper and Max want to get fucked in the ass by guys.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.