Life jokes

BlessedBrian's autobiography would be titled "The Adventure of Watching Paint Dry."

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

It's better being depressed and suicidal than being happy, know why? Happiness never lasts forever.

Don't bother; just try to live in England.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

Dream: Speedruns Minecraft.

Technoblade: Speedruns Life.

Suicide is just freedom, life is just full of pain... Sometimes if you're gone maybe somebody might notice. Feels like life is a maze and the only way to leave is the exit. Nobody notices your pain, your suffering, and that you try your best though everyone notices your mistakes. Life just feels like everyone hates you. Life for me is just faking smiles, I'm not sure how everyone lives such a good life.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.