England jokes

U.S.A: No Queen?

England: No towers?

Why can't the USA and England play chess?

USA has no towers and England has no queen.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.

Don't bother; just try to live in England.

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

Hell hates freezers, England, and soccer.

Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They ain’t got no home to run to.

Why can’t England people play chess? They ain’t got no queen.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. A castle weighs a ton. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The Queen of England's won! I never thought she'd get it done, but her sister is a nun.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

Me: So you two girls are from England?

Girls: Wales.

Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.

What type of tea do you drink with the Queen of England?

Royal-tea.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

Little boy asked his dad why he was born black.

Father replied, "So the heat from the sun doesn't burn your skin."

Then he asks, "Why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire?"

"So the coconuts when falling from the trees won't hurt you."

"Then what are we doing living in Rochdale? (England)"

Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.

The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.

Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.

Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.

Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

Lynx Africa is based on a nice smell. Do you think Lynx England would smell like Stella and disappointment?

Why did Hitler keep on f***ing England?

Because it had a Great Booty!