Life jokes
Oliver Tree just died in a helicopter crash?
He doesn't have to worry about that because, according to him, life goes onionionionionionionionionionion.
You want to know how to spot a foster kid?
Them carrying their whole life in a Hefty trash bag.
My superpower is that I can create life.
What does a Foreigner say when he comes to America?
"You're as cold as I.C.E. You're willing to sacrifice brown lives..."
What's the worst part about eating vegetables from the hospital?
The life support cord.
Kobe never died, he just faded away.
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.
What's one way to drain someone's ego?
Hand them a mirror, and say they should see how ugly they turned out in life.
What makes my life so unfair?
You invading it for no apparent reason.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer. Stepped on a corn flake.
Then there was the run-in with a pair of orphaned Rice Krispies. Snap. Crackle. No pop.
I've been taken into custody as a cereal offender and am about to be put on trial in Food Court. I fully expect them to sentence me to Life.
Why are transgender people like confused kids?
Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.
Life’s not a game... but if it was, some people would still be stuck on the tutorial.
A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
Depressed person: *chokes on food*
*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*
"AWWW! I failed the race!"
If being near immortal was a normal thing, I bet wanting to die would've been too.
Life with depression is like a cheeseburger.
It's not good without the cheese.
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
The penis has a sad life. His hair is always a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.
He also stands up for kids who can't defend themselves.
If you could add one zero to any number for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?