Life jokes

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

What is one dream that Michael Joseph Jackson made come to life? He loved to say: "Somebody's watching me."

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Why did Playboi Carti’s partner complain about their love life? Because he kept repeating the same track and never reached the climax.

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.

I hope you're an organ donor so your organs can go to someone who deserves them.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.

That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Life's full of ups and downs :D <3

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.