Life jokes
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
bully: "Your life's a joke."
me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."
I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.
He said he couldn't complain.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
What do my clothes and a depressed person not have in common?
My clothes don't hang themselves...
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
A depressed kid tried to give a tree a high-five, but the tree left him hanging.
what was Juice WRLD before he was famous?
Answer: alive.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
BlessedBrian's autobiography would be titled "The Adventure of Watching Paint Dry."