Life jokes
Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.
Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.
Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.
How did the orphan become famous?
By "go[ing] big or go[ing] home."
Why are transgender people like confused kids?
Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.
I put the fun in funeral.
My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.
What is the difference between apples and orphans?
Apples actually get picked.
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
Kid: Hey, why am I an orphan?
Adult: I don't know, ask your parents.
What’s the difference between a life and a nuclear bomb?
I don’t have a life.
Being in a band without a pencil is as easy as reading snare drum music.
What is the definition of a woman?
A life support system for a vagina.
"I've only been ripped off twice in my life. The first time was when I ordered three kebabs and they only delivered two. The second time was when we signed Cristiano Ronaldo."
-Al Nassr owner
Why did the crumb cake isolate himself? He had a crumbling social life.
If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?
Listen, my friends say I am gay, but I tell them I am not because I am not happy. In fact, I have no life. You are my friend. I trust you with my life. Now, can you take it?
His life.
Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.
Another joke, I know they suck.
What is a depressed person's favorite joke? Their life.