Language jokes
Shut the f*ck up.
Once, there was a kid named Cale, but his classmates didn’t know it was spelled with a “C,” so they asked him if he could be their snack.
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.
What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.
I adopted you. Now say goodbye, you missed your Spanish lesson...
I was speaking to a deaf Asian man. I said, "Hi." He said, "Wha yiu sa?"
Hey, can you hold this for a second?
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
What is the difference between a comma and a period?
A comma gives you a pause, but a period gives you sleep.
I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.
I figured I would steel it and put it on this site. I mean, it was either that, or lose it forever.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.
Q: Why can't orphans be gay?
A: They have nobody to call daddy.
Do you know 6+3?
Other person: Nine.
Nein is no in German.
What is heavy forward but not backward?
How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?
"Hump a vow, it makes a cow."
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching.
Why don’t Asians use phones?
Cuz they wing da wrong number!!!