Language jokes

I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"

1 + 1 = window.

Say "beans" fast three times.

Now you’re an idiot.

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

Lil Johnny's teacher wanted to play an alphabet game, so she said, "What word starts with A?" Lil Johnny raised his hand fast, but she knew that he would say "ass," so she picked on Sally and she said, "Apple." She said, "What word starts with B?" Little Johnny raised his hand as fast as he could, but she knew that he would say something like "bitch," so she picked on Emmanuel and Emmanuel said, "Banana." She went all the way to W. Little Johnny raises hand as fast as he could again, and the teacher thought of a cuss word that could start with the letter W. She could not think of a cuss word that could start with W, so she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny said, "Wow." The teacher said, "Good job." Then Little Johnny said, "Like wow, two elephants fucking!"

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone: "Wing wing arrow."

A couple enters a Chinese restaurant and takes their seats.

The waiter asks, "想吃什么 (Xiang Chi Shen Ma)?"

The wife responds, "吃鸡巴 (Chi Ji Ba)!"

What does the "f" in "orphan" stand for? Family, but there's no "f".

What is the plural of goose? Geese.

What is the plural of foot? Feet.

What is the plural of moose? Well, it ain't meese!

Why didn't the two 4's feel like dinner?

Answer: Because they already ate.

What is heavy forward but not backward?

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

I was really rooting to tell that one.

Everyone says "no homo," why do gays not say "no hetero?"

If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, I tried. I tried harder this time. I'll try again. Sorry, I can't delete things.

Have you heard of bees? They're bee-utiful!

Me: That’s a good WAVE.

Friend: I SEA it.

Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.

Me: I was SHORE it would be good.

Friend: I SEA what you did there.

What do you call purple when it's being mean? Violent.

Once, there was a kid named Cale, but his classmates didn’t know it was spelled with a “C,” so they asked him if he could be their snack.

Hey, can you hold this for a second?