Language jokes

Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"

A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

What do you call numbers that don’t stay in place?

Roamin’ Numerals.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.

Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.

If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?

What do you call a nose without a body? -- Nobody knows.