Construction jokes

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.

What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?

It is ground breaking!

Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What game did Al-Qaeda play with the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001? Jenga.

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

What does a skeleton put on his roof?

Shin-gulls.

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.