Language jokes

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

What does a cow say when he remembers something?

"I have deja moo!"

Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don't worry, it's just a couple.

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is...”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "Daddy."

I was going to log a pun about trees, but you wooden understand it.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A "MASTER-BAITER".

I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents name him "Sudden Lee."

So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight."

Her friend said "No, it's 666-3629."

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.

Person: Uh okay.

You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: What hit you in the face last night?

Person: Addicted... *laughs*

(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")