Knife jokes

I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.

What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?

Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)

"what's that on your wrist?"

"I'm a cutting board. duh"

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

A: A knife has a point.

I only cut to find out if I'm real or cake.

Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?

To take care of his erectile dysfunction.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

I was cutting the vegetables and my mom asked how I was so skillful.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have no balls, neither will you. 🔪🔪

what's flat and great for cutting? me.

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 wanted to bring two knives for survival, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hated him, and didn’t have benign intentions.

Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)

My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Me: Wanna play a game?

Sister: Ya, what is it?

Me: Tic tac toe.

Sister:?

Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.

Me: Tic tac toe.