Knife jokes
What is a suicidal horny person's job?
A butcher.
Hello. What can I get you? A knife, mustard, Marella, gorilla?
Cut.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
Remember the big forehead kid who said, "Give me a knife, I'm going to kill myself" because of being bullied?
His head was too big to even exist, and that's why he's dead.
Making a comforting breakfast.
But you have a knife.
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
What is the difference between a woman and a knife?
The knife has a point.
What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?
They cry...
They scream... with joy.
"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."
Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...
Why did Brandon's mum chase him with a knife? Because he didn't let her cum first!
Why was the emo jealous of the orange?
It came precut.
How do you eat a meat?
You steak it in your mouth.
"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."
Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.
Why couldn't the clown walk after his infamous knife-juggling act?
Because he was exhausted nigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?
A knife has a point.
How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?
You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.
You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.
He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.
You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.
A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let’s hear,” said the teacher.
“My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.” “She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
Pin drop silence in the class!
"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
“Stay away from Mummy when she’s drunk...!!!”