Kid jokes

"Jordan, motherfucker, your face looks like a slut, and your life is trash. Stop picking on kids and LEAVE THEM HELL ALONE!"

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

"I'm the big man, catching the kids in my big van." - Ben 2021

Teacher: What's 55 flowers plus 67 flowers?

Kid: A garden?

Teacher: Did I tell you that you're adopted?

I intern at an orphanage that burned down this weekend with 30 kids inside.

Thankfully, I don’t have to call and tell their parents.

Kid says to genie,

"I want to be like Batman!"

Kid goes home, both of them are dead.

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

I beat up a blind kid, but he says he's the strongest. He never saw that one!

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

What do you call an elite bungee jumper? An emo kid.

What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?

When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!

What does an orphan and a lost kid have in common?

They have no way home.

That autistic kid having sex for the first time:

"U The Hips, U The Hips!"

Why do emo kids sneak up on their Vietnamese grandfathers? Because they hope the war experience kicks in.

What happens to emo kids when they go up?

They never come down.

Why do emo kids not get phones? Because the phone dies before them.

Your momma is so fat, when she chose a yellow shirt when she was on a run, the kids ran after her because they thought they missed the bus.

I had to go to my friend's house.

I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???

What do clothes and emo kids have in common?

They both get hung.