Plan Jokes

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Your ma

Ya ever think about the twin towers plan? Me neither. It all came crashing down.

Anonymous

People judge me because im quiet

no one plans a massacre out loud

Brittni
in Depression

Me telling my parents im depressed: my parents, " no, ur just a little stressed and want attention, am i right?" My depression worsoning, me: " ya ur totally right mom…" Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide…

Tonkiemars

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said “I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we’re there, I’d also like to take our relationship to the next level.” “I’m there” the boy replied. The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked “do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?” the boy replied " “I plan on getting busy all weekend. I’m not gonna stop pounding her till I’m black and blue. Give me the family pack.” “Sure thing” said the pharmacist. That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, “you never told me that you were so religious” the boy replied, “You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist”

Anonymous
in Depression

F is for friends who don’t talk to you. U is for Ur alone. N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

Anonymous

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan : he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without paying and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again”. His friend agrees so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude’s pants, go to the bar and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, “Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!” The first guy says “Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!”

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Anonymous

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. Tomato means harder and cheese means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming tomato tomato tomato cheese cheese cheese, then my little brother said can y’all stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise all over my bed.

Anonymous
in Chernobyl

Don’t let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake but it ended up fulfilling the 5 year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why do orphans cry at insurance places They got offered the family plan

Apple Industries

Why did Steven hawking die? He lost wifi connection and don’t get the data plan.

0
Robert Himes
in Trump

North Korea and the martians were fighting about who was going the reach venus first. Trump steps in and says " That doesn’t matter american is going to land on the sun first". The martians and North Korea said “you can’t land on the sun it’s to hot and you will die”. Trump said his brilliant plan that “America is going to land their at night”.

in Depression

So there’s Fred and Frank, now they’ve been 2 friends for years, but Fred see he’s depressed. Badly. Either way, so F+F are texting each other and here’s how is goes: (this is my first joke, so please don’t judge to harshly)

Frank: Yo Fred: hi… Frank: u heard about de competition? Fred: yeah… Frank: You wanna hang out? Fred: … Frank: what? I’ve got some noose (news) for you Fred: … I( Frank: fine… I guess we need to think of a plan tho. We don’t wanna be hanging on the end. Fred: sigh you know…you really can’t rope me into this competition.

in Poor

What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people? Death.

Anonymous
in Star Wars

Stormtrooper: What should we do with about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it

Anonymous
in Roast

Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Kejel
in Bar

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer but they only had 2 dollars each. Christopher got an idea and run away to the butcher and see if he got something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

  • Are you crazy?! Said Tony to Christopher. ‘We don’t have any money!’
  • Take it easy now, said Christopher. 'I have a plan.' When they finnished drink everything up christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth. The bartender saw what they did and throw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub. After the 10th pub said Tony: I can’t do this anymore. I am drunk and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk.
  • How do you think i feel? Said Christopher exhausted. ’ I dropped the sausage in the 3th pub!’
0xFFA715
in Puns

What do you call a retreat in war? A back up plan

wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Anonymous

Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?

She wanted to be for sure for sure