I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....
Ya ever think about the twin towers plan? Me neither. It all came crashing down.
People judge me because im quiet
no one plans a massacre out loud
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. Tomato means harder and cheese means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming tomato tomato tomato cheese cheese cheese, then my little brother said can y’all stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise all over my bed.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
F is for friends who don't talk to you.
U is for Ur alone.
N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
My initials are K.M.C.
Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".
Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.
I’m writing an autobiography.
Stormtrooper: What should we do with about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day." Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
What do you call a retreat in war? A back up plan
whats the difference of your birth and 911 one was planed
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal. I wanted to tell him “well can we get what we both want?” “ I was already planning on dying anyway.”
Why do orphans cry at insurance places They got offered the family plan
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake but it ended up fulfilling the 5 year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
Why did Steven hawking die? He lost wifi connection and don't get the data plan.
North Korea and the Martians were fighting about who was going to reach Venus first. Trump steps in and says, "That doesn't matter, America is going to land on the sun first." The Martians and North Korea said, "You can't land on the sun, it's too hot and you will die." Trump said his brilliant plan, "America is going to land there at night."
So there's Fred and Frank, now they've been 2 friends for years, but Fred see he's depressed. Badly. Either way, so F+F are texting each other and here's how is goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge to harshly)
Frank: Yo Fred: hi... Frank: u heard about de competition? Fred: yeah.... Frank: You wanna hang out? Fred: ....... Frank: what? I've got some noose (news) for you Fred: ... I( Frank: fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan tho. We don't wanna be hanging on the end. Fred: *sigh* you know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
