INS jokes
Joe Mama's so fat, when she goes in the elevator, she has to go down.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
Who's the cutest president in the world?
Kim Jong Un, chh💕💕💕
The Texans War has begun, prep your muskets bois
Why does Trump always ensure he has a second pair of pants with him every weekend?
In case he gets a hole in one.
My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.
Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.
Why was ten scared?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
An apple walked into the clinic.
The doctor asked what his favorite color was.
The apple said "red." :)
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
My question is, how do fat people fit in tuxedos? Honestly, don’t wear those. Wear your regular clothes. Your belly is just gonna pop out!
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Paul Walker started in 3 movies: Fast and Furious, Gone in 60 Seconds, To Die Hard.
Why are there no fat people in Japan?
Last time they had a "Fat Man," 80,000 people died.
I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."