INS jokes
A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.
The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
----> [] get in the door.
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
What do you call a physically handicapped heterosexual man that is in a wheelchair and German?
A physically handicapped promiscuous heterosexual man that is German.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
What do you call a crazy-in-every-way sister?
A sissy.
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
You can’t “jelly” it in her ass.
Why did the rapper bring a fishing rod to the studio?
To reel in some KILLER HOOKS.
It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship, but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.
There’s this girl who gets bullied for being in a wheelchair.
Why don’t she stand up for herself?
What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.
What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.
What does a crooked lawyer who is not on the ACLU payroll have in common with a crooked politician who has an office in Washington, DC?
They both sign their names using a blue pen 🖊 🖊.
If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?
The brakes, you sick bastard.
They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.