INS jokes
In my locality, there was an orphanage but everybody in the locality was really sexist too, so they had to change the orphanage into a brothel 'cause everybody took the boys away and nobody was taking the girls and the manager didn't want to waste any 14-year-old pussy, did he?
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
What does a cow sound like when in a horror house?
Moo mooo moooooooo (screaming)!
So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"
Why are there 30 bullets in one clip?
Because that's the average classroom size.
Hear about the guy who dipped his nuts in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
What did the atom say to the positive in math class? "We could make a positive number!"
There were three boys on the top of a slide.
The first one went down yelling "gold!" and landed in a pot of gold. The second boy went down and shouted "pillows!" and landed in a heap of pillows. The final boy went down and shouted "weeeeeeeee!"
My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.
My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.
Why do toy bears have small eyes? Because they were made in China.
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
What do guns and women have in common?
They both get cocked and loaded.
My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?
Me: No.
Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.
Girls are like numbers squared. If they're under 13, just do 'em in your head.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs, and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: "Super cauliflower, eggs, but cheese was quite atrocious." (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
Random words in my keyboard:
The most annoying part of this game has always been that the players don’t know how much time it takes to get to the table before you start playing them.