Hurt

Hurt jokes

God

    • *Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

  • 2

    • Man

    • A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

    So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

  • 2

    • Dream

    • "Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.

  • 0

    • Parrot

    • One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

    "Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

    "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

    "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

    "Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

    "I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

  • 0

    • Teacher

    • Vegan Teacher the musical.

    Miss Kadie - "Oh no, you poor dead animal!"

    Mr. Beast- 🎶 "You're a dumb Communist, Miss Kadie" 🎶

    Chandler-🎵 "Yup, you're one high fluting son of a gun" 🎵

    Mr. Beast- 🎵 "I just gobbled up a quadruple patty from my restaurant" 🎵

    Miss Kadie - 🎵 "Don't hurt animals kids, do you want to be a vegans 'R' us kid?" 🎵

    Kids- 🎵 "We've had enough of your problems, Miss Kadie, you're such a commie!"

    Miss Kadie - 🎵 "I just want to die because I'm so sad!"

    - Miss Kadie jumps off Mr. Beast Burger and commits suicide.

  • 2

    • Sex

    • Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

  • 3

    • Dad

    • Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.

    Next day:

    Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?

    Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.

    The dad sulked for 3 whole years.

    Proof that words really can hurt.

  • 0

    • Orphan

    • How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.

  • 0

    • Lightbulb

    • How many retards does it take to change a lightbulb? None! They are still too busy trying to turn off the dark.

    Click...uh Click..........,.UH!!

    Confucius say, never try win head-butting contest with mongoloid: you’ll lose every time and only hurt yourself.

    (mono gloid? mong a’ loid squeals)

    Did you hear the one about the dog raised by retards?

    All he’d do is go “Uh-f, uh-f....Ooohhhh!”

  • 1

    • Dictionary

    • I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

    ...so I threw a dictionary at him.

  • 6