Humor
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.
I think she was pulling my leg.
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"
Me: "They are Parental Guidance."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
What do you call a pig that does karate?
PORK-CHOP
I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
My favorite joke is my life.
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
"Don't worry! Life goes on."
"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.