Humor
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?
You just got fruit-rolled.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Are your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go way back?
You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.
Me.
The joke is me.
Dad: Johnny, Johnny?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Getting women?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Telling lies?
Johnny: No, Papa.
Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!
Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.
What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
"Don't forget you are what you eat," said one person. "Then I should eat a skinny person!" said the other.
Why does Technoblade make orphan jokes?
'Cuz he's the Father!!!
If Trump pooped in a toilet, the toilet would die.