Humor

What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"

Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."

Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koalafications.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"

The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.

Because it would cut itself.

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.