Humor

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.

Because it would cut itself.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

Why aren't koalas actual bears?

Because they don't meet the koalafications.

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

A funny joke scenario.

Person 1: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Person 2: Because he had no "body" to go with.

Person 1: Because he was ugly, fat, and nobody liked him.

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.