Humor

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

what do you call a lazy gay?

someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.

I was always poked and told at weddings your next...

So I went to funerals and poked them and said your next.....

Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?

Because they go down so well.

Teacher: What's 3 minus 1? Me: I don't know. Teacher: How about this, you have three cakes, I take one. How many cakes do you have? Me: Three. Teacher: If I take one cake from your three, what do you have? Me: Three cakes and a dead teacher.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: "You mathematicians don't know your limits."

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.

A funny joke scenario.

Person 1: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Person 2: Because he had no "body" to go with.

Person 1: Because he was ugly, fat, and nobody liked him.

A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

"Good, but where's the p?"

"Running down my leg."

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?