Humor
When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.
Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"
Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"
Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."
What is a Mexican’s favorite band?
Twenty Juan Pilots.
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
Memes
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"
Me: "They are Parental Guidance."
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
"Don't worry! Life goes on."
"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
What do vacuums and your mom have in common?
They both suck.
Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?
Mike said: I don’t know, what?
Jon said: Kinder surprise.