Humor
Chuck Norris heard that nothing in the world could kill him.
So he tracked down nothing in the world and killed it.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.
What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?
"What's up?"
Her (DYM 88).
Why did the butt let out a fart?
Answer: To wipe out humanity!
One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.
His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.
The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in her butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”
“That explains one black eye,” the wife says, “but what about the other?” The man explains, “I figured she must have liked her dress stuck up in her butt crack, so when she turned around I stuffed it back up there.”
There’s nothing funny about orphans, right?
Well, I guess that depends on your sense of humor.
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
In America, you fight Ukraine.
In Soviet Russia, you fight Mykraine.
What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...
We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...
Why do skeletons hate wind? Because it goes right through them!
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.
Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.