Humor
It's only rape.
If she finds out.
What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.
I read a book on anti-gravity...
It was impossible to put down.
What do you call a private nun?
Nun-o-yo-business.
How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.
What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.
Teacher: What does a pig give you?
Little Johnny: Bacon.
Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?
Little Johnny: Wool.
Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?
Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".
A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."
I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
What do you call a blind German?
A not see.
What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?
They're both fun to flip off.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.
Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"
Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"
Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."
What is a Mexican’s favorite band?
Twenty Juan Pilots.
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.