Humor
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
Memes
Tis true
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
"Don't worry! Life goes on."
"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
What's the problem with 9/11 jokes?
They are just two plane.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!
My favorite joke is my life.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
PORK-CHOP
Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.
Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.
What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."
Location is in London by the way.
One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.
His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password.