Humor

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

A priest walks into a wine store.

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.

I read a book on anti-gravity...

It was impossible to put down.

What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?

They're both fun to flip off.

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.

Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?

While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.