Humor

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?

Russian malls.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"

Me: "They are Parental Guidance."

I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

It can't hit home.

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

What do vacuums and your mom have in common?

They both suck.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!

Why did the blondie put her iPad in the blender? To make apple juice.

Your mum is so bad at cooking, Gordon Ramsey brought back Hitler to show her how to use an oven.

What's the problem with 9/11 jokes?

They are just two plane.

Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?

Family restaurants.

"Don't worry! Life goes on."

"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."

This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.

Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.

Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.

Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!

What do you call a pig that does karate?

PORK-CHOP