Humor
What do emo kids scan at the store? Their wrist.
They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"
What’s the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?
Pikachu, I choose you!
"Can I tell you a paper joke?" I said, "But it is pretty terrible."
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
Light blue.
Why is the Reaper not funny at all?
Well, he tells dead jokes!
You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.
What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?
"Can you show me what rape is?"
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
How do people grade pedophiles?
1st grade to 8th grade.
(I know it's orphan jokes but still)
What was the last thing that went through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Why do people laugh at mountains?
Because they're HILLarious!
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite song??
Rollin' and Controllin'.
What did the Twin Towers say to each other?
Sorry if that offended anyone.
“I guess we are going down together!”
An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.
Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.
When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed 3 episodes of your favorite show.