Humor
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?
High steaks gambling.
What planet has a butt? Uranus!
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
Why does Technoblade make orphan jokes?
'Cuz he's the Father!!!
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
What is an army member's top drink?
WARter.
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
A man went to a Ford dealership hoping to find a car, but he said they weren't affordable.
Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?
They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"
What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?
"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."
I tried to think of how lighting works.
Then it struck me!
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!
What does a Jamaican guy say to an Asian?
Poke me, mon.
What did the sun say to the Earth?
"Am I hot?"
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.