Humor

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?

One of them has a POINT:)

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N. Oh my gosh, I'm peeing on my shoe, no one knows about it yet!

"Koalafications" are irr-elephant.

You. You're the joke.

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"

Q: Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians?

A: He thought they tasted funny.

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

What is the similarity between an anti-joke and a clown? Neither are funny.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

I wanna tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...

But it’s quite pointless.

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I had to stop using cutting jokes because they were getting too deep.

Here are some skeleton jokes.

You know the average person tries too hard and works himself to the bone.

If that joke didn't tickle your funny bone, I can give you a real humorous joke.

I used to play the trumpet, now I play the xylo-bone.

I'm always happy; nothing gets under my skin.

I made you some turkey for lunch. Bone appetit!

I'm glad I had you; I'm no longer bonely.

I've got a skele-ton of more jokes, but I'm just giving you one more.

Did you hear about the skeleton ninja? He was very skullful (skillful)!

What did the rapist say to his victim?

"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.