Humor

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

What do you call a plane with no wings?

Sally.

What do you call a bulldog and a shih tzu? A bullshit.

Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.

This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.

He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”

What was Osama's favourite food... yer nan?

Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.

Twin Tower jokes are funny because they are dead.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Two Asians walked into a strip club and they went to a cashier. They put in their names: her name was He Gay and his name was Shi A Ho.

What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?

You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.

Vegans: Save the Earth.

Normal People: We're trying to, but you guys keep eating it!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass.

What did the penis say to its pee?

"Urine."

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

What do you call a girl with only one leg? Eileen.

What about an Asian girl with only one leg? Irene.

Well, a boy and a girl are in a bathtub together.

The little boy says, “Hey, you see that? I’m gonna go ask Daddy what it is.” When the little boy asks his dad, he says, “Well, son, that’s your car. You try to park it in a girl’s parking spot.”

As the boy runs back, he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama what her spot was and she said, “Well, that’s your parking spot. Never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back, the little boy tried to put the car in, well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?

You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.

Hey, watch me eat this African sandwich.

*Takes huge bite of air.*