Thought jokes

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

What happened to the blind man's son?

He thought he was hitting a piñata.

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

My life is so meaningless that I committed a crime just to get shot. 0-0

This is not a joke; this is just about death...

Dear NASA, your mom thought I was big enough.

–Pluto.

I met a lewd nude in Bermuda

Who thought she was shrewd: I was shrewder;

She thought it quite crude

To be wooed in the nude;

I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

I beat up a failed musician until he started crying.

I thought a few hits would cheer him up!

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

I thought it would be fun to become a shooter. It became less fun when I realized that "shooting a woman up" also included a condom.

Bitch: Nice eyebrows.

Me: Yeah, where's yours, motherfucker?

Bitch: (Realizing she shaved them off cause she thought it would look cool)

The short kid came earlier than I thought. Guess he came with such short notice.

The fool says in his brain, "There is a god."

Your hairline is so deep people can see what you're thinking.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?