Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

What happened to the blind man’s son. He thought he was hitting a pinyata.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain…

Me: So… You’re new? Depression: (I don’t know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading… You know… Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job… Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we’re friends! Me: Interesting… (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it’s problemos) Me: Well I think you’re signed up! I’ll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

English is weird. – It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says “If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone’s drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?” the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. “I have something to confess,” said the shy wife. The husband then said, “Whatever it is, I will still love.” The wife then said "Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, “It’s okay, I’m a baby down there anyways.” He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said “I thought you were a baby down there.” The husband then said “I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds.”…

Teacher : Who here has thought about committing suicide? Half of the class : raises hand Teacher : … The half of the class: Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

Q:Why did the Koala Fall off the tree A:because it was dead Q:Why did the second Koala fall off the tree A:Because it was hit by the first Koala Q:Why did the third Koala fall off the tree A:Because it thought it was a game and joined in

Three men walk into a bar… you would have thought the last one would have ducked

I asked my midget neighbour if he wanted a lift. He told m to “F... of!!!”! I thought what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

I was walking down the street when i thought i smelled my ex’s perfume, turns out i was standing in front of a fish market.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor…

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

Two blondes walk into a bar. I thought one of them would have seen it.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Dunken Donuts was a basketball team.

Loading...