Humor
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?
A: On The Border.
What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?
High steaks gambling.
Ballz!
Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."
Rich person: "Then buy a house!"
Memes
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Why is there no phone in China?
Too many wings, too many wongs; might wing wrong number.
Funny jokes are like kids with autism.
They have special needs to make them.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
What's the most between my uncle and aunt?
My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.
What do you call a vagina with multiple clits?
A tongue workout!
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
What do you call an epileptic midget that works at Little Caesars?
Little Seizures.
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
Why did the two balls cross the road?
To get to the penis!
Sorry, too rude?
Shorkey will find you in bed tonight, and he will eat you like my joke or else...
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
What’s long, white, and full of cream? A cheese stick.
What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?
One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.