Humor

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?

I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.

Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?

Because they can’t ketchup.

How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

Popular guy in class: I am so funny.

Me: Your parents are funny as they made a joke and people are still laughing at it.

What did the priest say to the skunk?

Let us spray.

Where do astronauts 👩‍🚀 keep their sandwiches 🥪?

In their launch box! 🚀📦😂

Knock knock. Who's there? Abajo. Abajo who? I have abajo of water with me.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

Do you like pudding? Pudding deez nuts in your mouth!

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?

A baby in a blender.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

What's the worst joke you ever heard?

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.