Humor

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Robin: "The car's not working."

Batman: "Did you check the battery?"

Robin: "What's a tery?"

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.