Humor
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
POV: You liked this joke because you're straight.
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
What's a skeleton's favorite food?
Spare ribs.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like. They can’t change anything.
Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.