Humor
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
POV: You liked this joke because you're straight.
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
What's a skeleton's favorite food?
Spare ribs.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
As many as you like. They can’t change anything.
Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.
It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!