Humor

How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.

Easy! Peasy! Lemon Squeezy! 🍋😂

I guess that corn is a-maize-ing.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

There's something on your chin... no, the 3rd one.

Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”

Why was the chef embarrassed?

He saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.

We had sex afterwards even though she lost.

Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

What's a cannibal's favorite dessert?

Lady fingers.

What do an ice cream cone and a Ukrainian orphanage have in common?

Children scream when they melt.

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”

The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”

He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”