Humor
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
All these jokes are pen-ful to read.
Memes
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.
What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?
Snowballs.
Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."
Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?
A. A boner.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."
Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"
Why did the guy's birthday party stink?
Because he was turning farty!
Why did Helen Keller’s boyfriend have wax on his finger? Because he was whispering sweet nothings into her ear!
A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
My father left me at a young age.
He was only five.