Humor

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

What does a dyslexic zombie eat? Brian's, hahahahaha!

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Robin: "The car's not working."

Batman: "Did you check the battery?"

Robin: "What's a tery?"

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.