Humor

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

Robin: "The car's not working."

Batman: "Did you check the battery?"

Robin: "What's a tery?"

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.

What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Teacher: This assignment is big.

Student (male): I have something that's big.

Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.