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Humor

Humor

So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."

And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Not Susie.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?

At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.

  • 4

    • The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

    I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

    Ok, not really racist but still funny.

  • 6

    • What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

    Fat, you get fat.

    What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

  • 3

    • I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.

    He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"

    Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

    Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

    Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.