Humor

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

Women be like, "Equal rights, equal pay," then decide that they don't want to do labor intensive jobs.

Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.

Yo mama's so fat, there's not enough yo mama's so fat jokes to tell how fat she is.

"Knock, knock.""Who's there?""Not your dad."Random kid: "My dad went to get milk. My mom said he will be back soon."

Yo mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Why do I tell bad jokes?

I'm a lesbian.

What do you call an emo a cappella group?

Self harmony.

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

"Abortion jokes are like the babies; they never get old."

Jokes about the poor aren't rich.

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

Why can’t an emo have sex?

They can’t make it to the bed, they kept swinging on the tree.

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

Why did the emo swallow the alarm clock?

So he could wake up inside.

What do Shrek and onions have in common?

*LAYERS*

I once saw an orphan... I decided to ask them a simple question... "Hey! Where is your family?"

They didn't reply.

I kept asking them. They started crying. I started laughing. They ran away...

What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?

Brain cells make up their mind.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!