How Many jokes
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One (flips lens) or two? One (flips another lens) or two?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they're very tiny and we're not sure how they got in there.
How many Bay Street bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
In Toronto? One to hold it up and expect the entire country to revolve around them.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.
How many software engineers?
Again, none. It's a hardware problem.
How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?
Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?
A: Tumor.
What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... How many fingers am I holding up?
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?
0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.
There were 32 cows. Twenty-eight chickens. How many were there?
There were 32 cows. Twenty ate chickens. How many were there?
How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
35! Do you have a problem with that?
Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?
That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.
Person 1: How smart are you?
Person 2: Really smart.
Person 1: Ok. If you have 3 ghosts and take away 2, how many are left?
Person 2: 1 ghost is left.
Person 1: Wrong! 0 ghosts are left because ghosts don't exist!
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Tentacles!