History jokes

Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

— Steven Wright

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?

When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.

Hillary Clinton is elected president...

And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?

"Holy shit, I burnt one."

Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:

TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."

Smart kid!

I hate 9/11 jokes... They always crash and burn, like, dude, it's not funny?

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

Slavery has existed in the western world for 3 centuries, but in the Arab regions it has existed before and is still going on, so why don’t people talk about it?

Because it’s only bad when white people do it.

What was Morgan Freeman called before the Civil War?

Morgan.

The Twin Towers are like snowmen; they fall and crumble.

Today I ate out my girlfriend... Jeffrey Dahmer style.

Yo mama so fat it took her 3 seconds to cross the Great Wall of China.

What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?

“I can na-zi.”

Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.

Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!

What was the knight's name that sat at the round table?

Circumference.

What was the Nazi racing tournament in 1943?

Gasar.

What was Stephen Hawking's name before he got his disease?

Stephen Walkins.

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.