Health jokes

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A vanilla shake.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.

What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

What is a box called when a cough dies in it?

A coffin.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

What's worse than Aaron with Down syndrome?

Aaron with a rope.

Do no doctor start with A and A+?

What zodiac sign has no hair?

Cancer.

Q. What do you give a sick lemon?

A. Lemon-aid.

How come the toilet paper could not make it across the road?

Because of the Corona Virus.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.

Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.

Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."

You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?

An expiration date.

What's the hardest part of eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.