Dry jokes
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
Why don’t cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.
But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"
"Sike, I lied, your dick is dry."
What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?
They both live long with dry skin.
An emo kid sees his clothes hanging to dry, and he says to his clothes, "I wish I were you!"
What's the difference between a pool and a toddler?
One doesn't scream when you go in dry ;)
What's blue and bad for your teeth?
A green brick that's painted blue after the original paint dries (it takes a little while to dry), but after it dries you can paint it and then it will be green. If the brick is green it is called a green brick as it is green (not blue anymore) and it hurts your teeth because brick is a hard material that can damage the bones in your mouth (also known as your teeth).
What pool never runs dry?
The one on the Titanic.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Why do women fart when they pee? To blow dry.
Hey amazing people! The Prankster is back! This prank was on my sister and her friends. (tbh I did not think she had friends.)
I set out some snacks for them! Btw (I can't be trusted).
I gathered some "slapies."
The things I gathered were tomatoes, onions, milk, carrots, ice cream, and some dried-out green beans! All that stuff!
I need the tomatoes to make a sauce because I am going to put that with the ice cream, mix that up with the milk, yea yea it might look like a gross and nasty dish...WRONG!!!! I am going to make it into a little snack...anyway we make that into a snack for her and her friends. The onions are used to make their eyes cry and burn but I will give them a towel after that. The dried-out green beans are just to make them go over the top and overreact because I did not cook them. After that, we make it like it's not so icky!
I feed it to them!
They overreacted!
Please leave a comment.
Bye!
Yo mama so disgusting, she hangs toilet paper to dry after she wiped with them.
Setting: Funeral Home
Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.
Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.
Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?
Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.
Customer: Okay?
Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.
By: MiniMemorials.com
You were amazing... Sike I lied, that pussy is dry.
Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
A little girl asks her mum, "Mummy how was I born?"
Her mother smiled and replied: "Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day."
"The seed slowly grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So me and Daddy took the plant, dried it, smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom!"
Wanna hear a dry joke? A desert.
BlessedBrian's autobiography would be titled "The Adventure of Watching Paint Dry."
BREAKING NEWS
All the desert regions in the world are now considered lush rainforests. They house many different species of life and have significantly helped with the constant carbon dioxide emissions.
The reason why is because... Your texts are so dry.