Health jokes
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!
What do you call a body without a nose?
Nobody knows.
It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
Have you ever heard of hearing aids?
Yeah, me neither.
But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!
Jada Smith: Grow some balls!
Me: Grow some hair!
For sale: Wheelchair, one careful owner, no longer needed.
Rory Burrows is dyslexic.
What would you do if you see a guy suffocating from the heat? I would call and dial 911, holy shit!
Why did the stick fall?
Because he is a stick man.
When you get to feel a dick in you, then suck bro, all your stress [goes] out the window.
Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.
But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.
In the year 2020, who were the biggest enemies?
Coronavirus and toilet paper.
Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon-aid.
"I know, you have a lot on your plate right now."
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?
"Looks like a rerun."