Health Jokes

I slit my wrists.

Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.

Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"

Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"

I was going to think of a good amputee joke...

But I’m stumped.

Why do you never see gay people in wheelchairs?

You can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Why did the fish go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling “eel.”

An X-ray of a human hand with the text "Yo guys I won't be posting in a while, broke my hand!"

What do you call a skeleton with no arms? An un-armed skeleton.

Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.

It runs in our jeans.

Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.

When you breathe.

Jack and Jill ran up the hill to pop some pills,

And Jill said, "Jack can do her without here will," and Jack's penis was still.

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

Why are there blind people? Because there is.

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!

What did the skeleton say when he fell on his funny bone? He laughed!

Grandma, I can’t believe I have Alzheimer’s.

One second later, Well at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.

This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!

Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"

What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?

So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.

About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."