Health jokes
What itches a lot?
Syphilis.
What do you call a room full of disabled people with epilepsy?
A seizure salad.
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?
During this COVID shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on, should you be scared, or is that dumb bastard just your boyfriend?
I want to make a joke about old age, but I'm too senile to finish it.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. 𝓐𝓷𝓭 𝓭𝓲𝓮.
"SpaStics on aplastic. Add me on ps4 SpaZZagaZZa54."
The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.
Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!
Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.
Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"
Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
I would tell a scoliosis joke.
But that would be completely out of line.
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.