Health jokes
Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.
What's the difference to a kamikaze and bin Ladin?
Bin Ladin survived when he went into a building. I have aids.
Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh for god's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Yo mama so stupid that she had an appointment with Dr. Pepper.
Thing 1: What's the difference between nuts and almonds?
Thing 2: I don't know, what?
Thing 1: One gets hard faster.
Why shouldn’t you do drugs? Weedle make you high.
How can Pikachu make a baby laugh? By playing pika-boo!
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
What disease do you get from eating fish?
Salmonella!
What should people do with their floppy dicks?
I give them a good wiggle waggle to raise awareness of something!
Ever had a migraine? Yeah, sorry that’s my fault. Couple years ago, all my grains got loose.
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
Doctor: I have bad news.
Man: What?
Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.
Man: Oh, no...
Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.
Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
Yo mama so fat, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?
Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.
For so long, I thought I was a Gemini, apparently I'm Cancer!