Health jokes

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

What do depression and suicide have in common?

Nothing, they're both hanging.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

You're an alcoholic!

Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.

What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.

Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?

Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.

Me in 2078 when the COVID-19 delta alpha theta beta cya layta alligayta nlgga chungus sussy deef clussy sussy bussy cunnybrap variant comes out and I need to stay in lockdown for another 2 years with my new mandated virus stopper buttplug 9000.

Yo momma so fat, when she went for a health consultation, the doc told her to make do with health insurance.

For so long, I thought I was a Gemini, apparently I'm Cancer!