Health jokes

Doctor: I have bad news.

Man: What?

Doctor: There are two things wrong with you. First, you have cancer.

Man: Oh, no...

Doctor: Second, you have Alzheimer's.

Man: Well, at least I don't have cancer!

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.

I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

What do depression and suicide have in common?

Nothing, they're both hanging.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

You're an alcoholic!

Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.