Health jokes

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?

I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.

How many times do you nut? It depends how hard you do it.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!

What do you give a sick bird?

Tweet-ment!

What does a doctor do to make you better?

Helium.

Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

You're an alcoholic!

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:

What's the difference to a kamikaze and bin Ladin?

Bin Ladin survived when he went into a building. I have aids.

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

For so long, I thought I was a Gemini, apparently I'm Cancer!