Health jokes
Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Jamal had 75 candy bars. He ate 65. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Yes?
Me: What is the missing sense? Seeing, smelling, _, tasting, hearing.
Friend: Touch.
Me: What do you spawn on Minecraft always? (jk only 99.99%)
Friend: Grass.
Me: And you get?
Friend: Touch grass.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?
Dumb.
What creature takes the most medicine?
Caterpillar.
Why does Ella have cancer?
Because she’s stupid.
So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?
One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.
I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
What is the easiest line to draw in the hospital?
My heartbeat.
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?
Mashed potatoes.
Covid be like, "I'm going to take your breath away."
I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.
Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.
Last night I had the strangest dream!
I sailed away to China!
And I caught the coronavirus!
You said you needed to wash your hands!
Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!
And you said!!
Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!
Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!
Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.