Health jokes

What did COVID say to the American?

Nothing, it just took its breath away...

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

You're an alcoholic!

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.

Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

What do depression and suicide have in common?

Nothing, they're both hanging.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

What’s a guy with Tourette’s favorite app to use? Tiktok.

Get the gun, shoot it up your bum!

What did the leper say to the hooker? "You can keep the tip."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some chips and sweets.

No, he can't keep his heart rate down, and she's got diabetes.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I see you, I see you; you would have to work out.

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?