My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
What’s better than winning a medal at the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
Have you seen the new movie Constipation?
You haven't?
That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
Why did the OREO go to the dentist?
Because he needed a filling. 😂
A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
