Health jokes
A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
If a person with Down syndrome robs you, what do you say? “I’m up your Down.”
Why are uncles like curries?
Because bad ones hurt your asshole.
I look diseased
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.
Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.
Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?
Because he was a family doctor!
Why did the rapper go to the optometrist?
Because he needed to improve his RAP VISION.
Imagine if Joe Biden was elected for a second term.
He would be the first president to be assassinated by a slick bathtub.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to wake up sleeping pills.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
What is a part of a vegetable you can't eat?
The wheelchair.
What is the toughest part of the human body?
Anal hair, all the shit that they go through.
Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.
They took him to PC World for repairs.
Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?
Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.