Health jokes

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

What’s better than winning a medal at the Paralympics?

Being able to walk.

It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.

I'm not fat!!

I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

So I said, "Aquarius."

And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.

He called them: "Asperger's."

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?

A disorder.

What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?

Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!

I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!