Health jokes
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
What’s better than winning a medal at the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.
I'm not fat!!
I'm a Nutritional Overachiever.
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But cat scan!
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
So I said, "Aquarius."
And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?
Answer: Assprin.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.