It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.
So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
So I said, "Aquarius."
And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
What happens when a skeleton does not laugh at your pun?
Looks like someone's funny bone is broken. 😁
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?
Answer: Assprin.
A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"
The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."
The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."
Lol making jokes about cancer makes me feel better as a person that had cancer, it’s great!
I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"
Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.
My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.
He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.
