Health jokes

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because he had a sour stomach.

Why do Asians have squinty eyes?

Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.

COVID-19 won't last long... it's made in China.

An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."

The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."

Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.

Doctor: Yup.

Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

You reload and keep shooting.

Why does the nurse need a red pen?

In case she has to draw blood.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!