My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
When I was in 4th grade, we wrote letters to kids in the hospital. I wrote: "It is a bumpy road but soon it will be a straight path." Not many people know I was talking about their heart monitor.
What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"
Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."
Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.
Doctor: Yup.
Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
You reload and keep shooting.
So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood.
Why did the hooker quit her job?
She had a nut allergy.
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?
Nut in the butt.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
