Health jokes
During Covid, lockdown went on for so long that even the agoraphobics got cabin fever.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
My brother Taf likes to pee the bed.
I still to this day remember my grandpa's last words.
"I'M ALLERGIC TO FUCKING CATS!"
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room with rubber rats. Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
What do you call a gender neutral person who is lactose intolerant non-bi dairy?
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
In life, some people have it harder than others.
That's why Viagra exists.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.
Why is Delta jealous?
Because Omicron took the final kill.
I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.
Fat bully. That was just the starter, now do you want the main course?
Me: I don't think I want that because you already ate it.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
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