My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
Why do orphans hate health ed at school?
Their parents can't opt them out of it.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
What do you call lesbian sex during their period?
A blood transfusion.
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah!" (from Elton John)
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
