Health jokes
I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.
Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling good.
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Midixadrupin, Midixarizin or Dixafix.
Shitpost-master general
Doctor: Tomorrow is like John Cena, you won’t see it.
My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.
I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair?
TIMMAHHHH!
What do you call a bunch of autistic kids in a box?
A toolbox.
Want one way to get a free haircut?
Call the cancer hotline.
Where do you take Stephen Hawking: to the hospital, or PC World?
Do you know what it takes to beat cancer?
Heartbeat.
I am thinking of removing my spine.
It's only holding me back.
My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.
Then I waited for the results.
A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.
The next day, he could see only one color... black.
If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?
Why do you have to wipe yourself with toilet paper? Because bugs can crawl, eat your poop, and drink your pee!
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
A UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?
It was a failure because:
South Americans don’t know the word “please.”
Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest.”
Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion.”
Balkans don’t know the word “give.”
Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts.”
Africans don’t know the word “food.”
Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage.”
Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”
Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”
You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.