Health jokes
Your dad went to the shop to get milk, came back, went again, but never came back due to a car crash due to an itchy rash.
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
A man walks in to the doctor.
He says, "Doctor, I need a new butt. Mine has a crack in it."
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you!!!
Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.
What did the green grape say to the purple one?
"Calm down and take a breath."
It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.
Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
Why is my anus burning?
'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!
What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.
Me: Knock, knock.
Other person: Who’s there?
Me: Atch.
Other person: Atch who?
Me: Bless you!
I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.
(Extra Cholesterol)
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?
Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.
You're so skinny you never gain weight. You're so skinny you're a thin stick.
If Stephen Hawking is ill, does he go to the doctors or Currys PC World?