Health jokes
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?
Gingervitus.