Health jokes
What did the tissue wear?
A shoe.
WARNING: READ THIS JOKE ALOUD!
Was it the pills that stopped his coughing, or was it the coffin they carried him off in?
My mom told me that her doctor told her personally that she had to keep herself isolated because she has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great ass.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
A few men have curved penises, but they can fix that problem by straightening it out.
Q: What do you call a cat living with a vet? A: A dead, shrivelled up cat on her death bed that is attached to their owner.
Isn't It Purrfect!
Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."
Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?
"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
Man 1: Dude, Viagra is for pussies. Real men don’t need Viagra.
Man 2: I thought Viagra was for dicks?
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
What was the winning play at the leper football game? A hand off up the middle.
What do you get when you gobble down sweets?
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.