Health jokes
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
How do u get 40 cigarettes in a pack?
U shove them down his throat. 🤣😂
I had a glass of Schweppes lemonade in one hand and a glass of R. Whites in the other. I got into a hot sweat. I think I have Corona Virus.
What do you call onions and beans?
Tear gas.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have 10 left."
The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?"
The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?
An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.
Why Cristiano Ronaldo loves oranges??
Because they contain vitamin suiiiii!
AUGH, oh sorry, I just got a third ball because of girls hitting my balls with a handball!
Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.
Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.
Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.
Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.
How did the other 18 COVIDs go unnoticed?
Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To eat Bob's arms.
Bob went to hospital and had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Bob.