Health jokes
I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.
My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
What do you call a bunch of autistic kids in a box?
A toolbox.
kayla?
What do you call a ruptured Chinese man?
One Hung Lo.
What do you call a basketball player with erectile dysfunction?
Tragic Johnson.
Why do you like cream instead of bugs?
Because bugs can kill you.
Scientists are trying to find a cure for anorexics. It should be a piece of cake!
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Why is it always cold in the hospital?
To keep the vegetables fresh.
My grandpa died to ligma.
Ligma balls lol.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh for god's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
A man walks into a bar.
He had to have 13 stitches!
My cousin is a surgeon.
Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!