Health

Health jokes

Surgeon

    • My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

    He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

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    • Arthritis

    • On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

    Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

    "Do you know what arthritis is?"

    The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

    "It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

    The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

    A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

    "How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

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    • Drug

    • If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

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    • Cancer

    • If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: "Thank you for your service."

    Sorry if it’s too far, but don’t come here if you can’t take it.

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    • Health memes

    Family

    • I'm black, and I have a dying family in my basement that hasn't eaten in 2 weeks. They need help.

    Btw, it's a joke lol.

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    • Cancer

    • Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

    Doctor: Ten.

    Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

    Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

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    • Cigarette

    • A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

    The next day, he could see only one color... black.

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    • Baby

    • My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"

    The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."

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    • Pacer Test

    • The FitnessGramTM Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

    Level 1 Feel it One Two Three Four Five Six Seven; end of level one.

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    • Baby

    • Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

    Pain

    • A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.

    He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.

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