Health jokes
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.
On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?
"Baby, now we got bad blood."
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user?
Fast food.
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!