Health jokes
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
What does a blind man and your dick have in common?
They both can’t get up without a dog.
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.
What's the worst part about eating vegetables from the hospital?
The life support cord.
What can you catch, but not throw?
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
AUGH, oh sorry, I just got a third ball because of girls hitting my balls with a handball!
Q: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to swallow?
A: A wheelchair.
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.
Dear doctor,
I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?
Yours Truly, Ray Palp
She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.
I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.
We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.
Why does Aaron have no friends? Because his spine is weird and he is fat.
Why is Delta jealous?
Because Omicron took the final kill.
Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.
Why did the rapper go to the dentist?
Because he had too many FILL-INS.
What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)