Health jokes

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

What is the only place fat people live?

Obi-city.

Your teeth are so yellow they slow down traffic.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

Every zodiac sign has a different hairstyle except Cancer.

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

I don't think I'm allergic to this.

A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.

Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!

My grief counselor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn't care.

How do you describe a redhead with bad teeth?

Gingervitus.

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.